


It's Always High Noon

by Greach



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Angst, Ass Play, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Betrayal, Character Death, Cocaine, Dick Jokes, Drinking, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, Drunkenness, Funny, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, How Do I Tag, Jealousy, Jesse McCree & Genji Shimada Are Best Friends, Lies, M/M, Mangos, Marijuana, Messy, Methamphetamine, Overwatch - Freeform, Porn, Pornstars, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Recreational Drug Use, Reincarnation, Roommates, Strippers & Strip Clubs, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Ultimate Fighting Championship, Vegetarians & Vegans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 21:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17030463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greach/pseuds/Greach
Summary: Lucio, McCree, Junkrat, Roadhog, and Hanzo are roommates and drug dealers. Well except for Hanzo...Pansy ass bitch. The problem is, their landlord has hired someone to bust their asses. (Like that doesn't already happen when they are with each other). How will the group navigate though drug, jealousy, and shitty roomates.





	It's Always High Noon

McCree- The junkie, only smokes during high noon. Occupation Stripper (Rooms with Hanzo) Just imagine Matthew Mcconaughey in Magic Mike.

Hanzo- No drugs, neat freak (like Basilio). Yoga Teacher. He really hates drugs. Says he hates Mccree because he’s a druggie and he gives his baby brother drugs

 

Junkrat: messy, does the meth, 2 month old pizza in his room. Will not wear deodorant, only uses axe body spray. Robs gas stations. He doesn't shower, and if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s Australian.

 

Genji- only comes over to buy weed from Mcree. he is a cyborg ninja clown at birthday parties that makes kitana balloon swords (kind of a one trick pony).

 

Soldier 76- evil white cop, tries to bust the boys for drugs, super gay (and I mean like porn cop gay).(Not so) Secret Pornstar

 

Roadhog-  BBW boi with a phat ass. Probably does angel dust, but he definitely does blow in his gas mask.

 

Lucio- Personal trainer at the gym, secretly uses steroids, not so secretly is a twinky little frog man,

 

Torbjorn - landowner, hates drugs loves whiskey and porn

  


Once upon a time in West Philadelphia, born and  raised. By the playground where Mcree smoked most of his days. Blazing out, waxing, relaxing all cool and shooting up coke like some kind of tool. When a couple of guys said these drugs are too good. Started making trouble in the neighborhood, I got a little too high and then Hanzo got scared. And said “You’re moving with your Jappy and cut your damn hair!”

Druggie Mcree sat in his bedroom and pulled a potted pot plant from under Hanzo’s bed. Poor loser didn’t even know that Mccree's stash was there.His thick eyebrows glanced at the clock as it ticked and tocked to twelve o'clock. and he muttered “It’s High Noon.” he tears a leaf like the leaves in The Land Before Time. He rolled it up and lit his blunt and popped it in his mouth. With a snap crackle and pop he lit the blunt and puffed stinky pot  clouds on Hanzo’s side of the room. Junkrat was listening to Nirvana in the other room after crossing acid with meth. At this point, he was borderline dead, as he could swear he was seeing the pearly gates; however, he had lost any vocal or motor abilities as he passed out on roadhog’s stomach. Roadhog was using his outie belly-button to hold a rake as he flailed it around trying to get a blunt  he hid on the ceiling fan. He didn’t want to wake his little buddy, but little did he know that Junkrat was waayyyyy beyond effed up. No waking for that little nibba no sireeeee. 

Mcree kicked his door down and snatched the blunt away. The boy was still learning and threw his blunt on Junkrat. “By the way, Hog boy. The rent due, and your sheriff cough cough me, needs that coin.” McCree popped the blunt in his mouth and smoked some more. He was learning to  share, but that damn Caillou shows keeps sending him the wrong messages n shit. “Thats shit’s mine” he said as he continued smoking his joint and stared down at Junkrat who was foaming at the mouth. “Da fucks wrong with him. He looking for attention or something?” McCree held onto his belt buckle and accidentally stepped in some moldy Me n Eds pizza. 

“Hey I was saving that fuckboi” Roadhog pronounced muffled through his mask.

Mcree crossed his meaty arms, “Fuck that...literally. So do you got the money or what?”

ROADHOG WAS BROKE HOWEVER, AND COULD ONLY PAY THE COWBOY IN BULLETS!!! Roadhog ulted on Mcree and sent him out of the room. Mcree was at a whopping 1hp partner, so Steelie McWheelie (Lucio) brought that brokeback mountain lookin’ ass a bowl of LUCIOOOO’S. Mcree gobbled that shit like a turkey. Then Lucio called him a turkey (cause it’s slang for “white guy”) McCree said, “Thanks frog boi, I owe ya’ a drink sometime.” Lucio replied, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA O LET’S BREAK IT DOWN!” AND HE ULTED ON MCREES COWBOY ASS FOR EXTRA HP YEEHAW. Mcree then ulted on roadhog and junkrat in the open room yelling, “It’s high noon you stupid fucks!” and shot two dirty bullets into Roadbitch and Junksack. Junk died on impact, and with what little hp Roadhog had on the Ult, Junkrat martydom’d him to death. That’s two dead bitches lmao.

”I’m gay” ~: Jesse Mcgeeeee. 

Quote from (one of the writers) “Fucking in that one movie”

Hanzo came home holding a few grocery bags and his vegan smoothie from an unknown smoothie joint that no one cares about. “Hello my friends, I am back from grocery shopping at Whole Foods! There was a great deal on mangos! We are going to eat good tonight.” After Hanzo set the grocery bags down on the counter, he saw the remains of Junkrat and Roadhog lying on the floor. It smelled like absolute shit. Hanzo jumped onto the couch and shot McCree in the face with an arrow. “I leave the goddamn apartment for literally only 3 hours to grocery shop, and this is the kind of shit I come back to? Fuck you guys, you aren’t getting to eat my special secret recipe mango casserole tonight.” McCree pulled the arrow out of his forehead, threw it back at Hanzo. “Bitch, don’t even start with your fuckin’ shit. You’re a vegan, you don’t get to have an opinion.” 

Lucio laughed in the background while he was taking a shit in the bathroom. “Y’all bitches ain’t even on a pringles can HAHAHAHAAHA E RIGHT CLICK.” Lucio right clicked himself and booped off of the can into the living room. He landed smack dab on his already ingrained crusty doo doo stain on the carpet. This mothafucka had way too many green beans and Lucio’o’s, so he had the frog shits. Lmao, I could super talk about Lucio’s doo doo all day my peaches, but this is a love story about a family or something cheesy like that. Lmao, look at this picture of Genji I found 

Mcree glanced at the photo “That fucker looks like a fuckin plant sim. Hanzo your family has the worst genetics.” Mcree popped another joint and threw it at Hanzo. “Fucking Vegan, No one gives a fucking damn about your fruit girl mangos.” Mcree grabbed the mangos and threw them at the wall. “Real men like the meat ;), so stop being a flower picking pansy you bitch.” Mcree plopped on the couch and crushed some fresh coke on the table and took a big whiff. “ Fuck that’s better than going to church on Easter Sunday! Aye Hanzo get your big Buddhist ass over here and try some of this.”

hanzo grabbed one of his vegan magazines off of the kitchen counter and smacked jesse in the face with it. “You get that shit off of my table, you sister-loving son of a bitch. If i ever catch you snorting that in this apartment i’m going to shove all of my mangos up your ass. You would probably like it because you're gay as shit, brokeback mountain lookin’ ass.” mccree wanted to high noon this bitch so bad but he knew that hanzo was the only person in the apartment who actually knew how to cook, and his rootin tootin ass didn’t want to eat lint off of the floor like that one year hanzo decided to go visit japan for christmas. “Fine, fine, you fuckin’ jap. But I’m still going to snort that shit when you’re not lookin’, and you know it.” lucio walked out of the restroom and jumped from wall to wall, like someone on steroids. Y’know, because he’s actually on steroids. Yeah. “whoaaaaa i’m going super fast now that i just took a five pound shit in the toilet!”

**This big boy eats his beans, let me tell you hoowhat ehehehe. It’s me guys, Hank Hill, let me tell you how I became the manager of Strickland Propane. It involved -g- BOWAAAAAH… Original narrator’s back, time to get back to the story. Lucio, with the dropped 5 lbs, was going pretty fast. He managed to move through the living room at an impressive speed; furthermore, Lucio planned to become the Hokage. He said, “YEAH MAN, BELIEVE IT.” Then he used his boop against Sombra’s Chidore. Everyone in the world stopped for a moment because it was epic now.**

Mcree cocked an eyebrow. “The fuck, Ya’ll on steroids or something?” Mcree tripped Lucio and strutted towards his bedroom and stepped out in his stripper clothes. His rock hard abs glistened under cheap lights as he scratched his beard. “Well I gotta go to work. Don't miss me too much Hanzo Wanzo” Mcree blew a degrading kiss, mocking Hanzo’s sexuality. Genji suddenly jumped in, not realizing his prissy brother was there “Aye Mcree! That shit you sold me was great, ya got any of that white boy American coke or that Colorado pot. By the way, when do you think im ready for the meth and the her- o- in?” Mcree scratched his balls “Not yet little wonton, ya’ll are still a boy in this part of town.”

hanzo glared at his younger brother, who had come over to his apartment uninvited. “so , after all these years, you decide to come back home, little brother? I am very honored, but also very angry. You forgot to take off your shoes you little shit. You dishonor me, and yourself.” genji scoffed at hanzo, and pointed to his shoes. “Bitch, these are my yeezys. You’re too invested in spending money on your dumbass mangos, but i’m out here looking like a fly bitch, as the americans say.” genji high fived mccree--on the ass. Hanzo suddenly got extremely jealous, and threw an old vegan spring roll at genji’s face. “Dude what the fuck? You just wasted a perfectly good spring roll. You got me fucked up, big bro.”

“I cast magic missile and end my turn.” Mercy said while she was playing D&D with Ana, Orisa, Sombra, and Zenyatta. These fuggin clowns live in the apartment below these fools. So all they hear is stompy sounds and angry asian shouts. Fus Ro Dah you know? Anyway, Hanjo at this point was pretty infuriated with the strength of his ancestors, so he was about ready to Ult on his brother again. Shimura Younger was ready for this. Genji had on him, 4 bags of Cool-Ranch Doritos, and 10 potatoes ready to fire from his shuriken launchers. This bitch… was um… Basically… Monkey. And he was ready. So long story short, they were both ready err, something like that. So anyway, Roadfuck and Junkspunk respawned, and they were sober. So they decided it was time to Juul.

McCree crossed his arms and looked at the dirty boys. “Glad to have y'all back. Y'all better take a shower before i get back from work. Well I better go, I gotta a lot a ladies ready to see my country bod. Genji you take the drugs I have stashed under Hanzo’s bed” Jesse tipped his cowboy hat and rolled  out of the apartment. Junkrat threw up in Hanzo’s special tea cup. “Since when did he became a stripper? Well anyway I bet he is ready to fire in the hole if ya know what I mean lol! Well I'm gonna uber some Panda Express. Want anything hehehe.”

Hanzo stared at junkrat, and folded his arms. “Are you trying to kill me? None of the menus are vegan friendly, you trick ass bitch. I’m going to make my famous tofu soup for dinner tonight, since bitch ass jesse ruined my mangos.” lucio skated around the apartment and knocked over the 72 inch flat screen tv that hanzo just bought from best buy on black friday. Hanzo was getting tired of lucio’s shit, so he single ulted his bitch ass out of existence. Genji wiped the shit off of his shoes and onto one of hanzo’s gay ass scarves. “Ok well I’m kinda bored of this shit now, so I’m gonna peace the fuck out of here. See ya, bitch.”

Hey guys, it’s me Sans from Undertale. This fanfiction took our heroes to Panda Express, but i’ll take them out of there by using the power of friendship.

This was merely a thought that Junkballs had due to his schizophrenia. Junkrat was beaten as a child, and that can take a toll on people. Anyway, Soldier 76 was at the BOOLICE STATION LMAO, eating donuts and smoking coffee with the other feds. Hold up, let me get it started, BB with the Robins, acting all retarded. Jack Morrison told the bois in the station, “Alright, listen up ladiessss, Jackkkk Morrison wants to go eat some Huckleberry’s and some sweet sweet Vegan ass. Who’s cumming?” Everyone fell out of their chairs and scrambled for the office T.V. to watch some Frasier on Netflix. “Fine, I guess I’ll go eat out Hanjo’s ass myself” Soldier then sprinted with his shit ability and helix-rocketed the first old woman he could see. She was fucking dead, and he killed her.  
  


(“Caillou Being a Punk Ass Bitch: recolorized”- Circa 2003)  
  


Torbjorn stole the dead bitch’s money and glanced up at Jackie boi. “Oi i've been calling the fucking 911 for like 3 hours you bitch. You see i got a problem. I got some drug boys and their noise is ruining my porn watching --- I mean Ping pong competition. You see if you take care of the problem, i’ll subscribe to your pornsite, If ya dont ill tell the world ya got a tiny dick...Ya know i'm good at that photoshop shit. So here’s who I need you to get: Jesse McCree- the cowboy stripper who does the marijuana and deals the druggies, Hanzo - the fucking vegan, he doesn't do drugs but i hate vegans, so he needs to go...plus i tired of hearing him complain like caillou. Genji- the baby japanese druggy, Junkrat-- the stupid, dirty Australian. Lucio, dat olympian on steroids, and Roadhog because he is phat. You gonna help me out Soldier 69?

 

Meanwhile: McCree is stripping….Ya

 

Next time on the worst thing you will ever read; We meet Hanzo's alter ego...Barbara

**Author's Note:**

> Vegans we love you 💚  
> Omnivors we love you


End file.
